For Geekus Maleekus, One More Boring Saturday Night

By G.M.

Dudes and dude-ettes, things just aren't what they used to be here on Planet Grapevine, especially on Saturday nights.

I used to be able to score lots of bitchin weed, but my source got busted, so now I have to settle for MD 20/20. Bummer.

The politics and shit used to be more interesting, too. I used to get cracked up when Bush would say all those stupid things. We just don't have any good fools to put on Wolf Blitzer's TV show anymore.

I mean, look at the people who are going to end up running for president. Obama is just too fucking polished. Everything he says sounds like he's practically had a chance to see video of it first. And then there's Mitt, the Arrow shirt dude. I used to enjoy watching those debates, back when it looked like Al Gore was actually walking over to Bush and acting like he was going to start punching him out and shit. The debates between these two, this fall, are going to be, like, serious yawners. No good sound bites, no UFC action, nothing.

Ron Paul sometimes acts like he's going to start some kind of shit, but he's too old and wimpy. When he gets excited, his voice gets as high as my grandma's. And Newt's just too fat. The only kind of fight he could win would be as the captain of the GOP Eating Team.

Clinton was fun to have around, because you never knew who it would come out that he'd porked. I don't remember times being so bad while he was president. I could get plenty of good weed back then, and Wolf Blitzer's show was always a lot more interesting, at least if you were stoned. But Clinton's not on the tube much anymore, and Hillary just isn't up to being a summer replacement. That woman was just too set on being valedictorian of every fucking thing to be very interesting. Although, it was funny to see her swilling a brewski and cutting up down in South America. That was the most fun I've ever seen Hillary have.

Ted Nugent used to be a bitchin guitar hero, but he's too redneck now. And way too serious.

Another boring Saturday night on Planet Grapevine. -- GM