Saturday, April 18, 2009

Why Does Governor Goodhair Hate America?

By Manifesto Joe

By now I suppose that everybody who follows matters political knows that the governor of my state, Rick Perry, made a statement at a tax day "Tea Party" gathering that strongly suggested that Texas might, under great duress, want to secede from the Union.

I had hoped Governor Goodhair meant that we Texans could all just get out of the Teamsters or the United Auto Workers en masse. There ain't very many of us who is members of them there union outfits anyway, so there would be no change that anyone outside Texas urban areas would notice.

But unfortunately, I don't think that's quite what Governor Goodhair meant. He was probably pandering to the rubes, the people who don't quite get it -- that the reason they drive on paved streets, can cross bridges without crashing into the river, can get their elderly parents on Social Security, that their children can construct English sentences even if they haven't gone to Yale, is because taxes are collected.

There are a couple of things to remember about the governor's statement. One is that he's facing a potentially tough campaign for re-election, even though he's already been the state's longest-serving governor. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas, appears to be tired of Washington and seems to want a swell job back home. She sort of looks like a moderate Republican by Texas standards, so Perry may be setting up early to line up the right-wing yahoo base.

Then there's the matter of intellect. Rick Perry has a great head of dark hair, and from all the female accounts that I've heard, he is the closest thing to a Ken doll we've ever had in high office in this state. But, as the late Molly Ivins often pointed out, Governor Goodhair ain't the sharpest pencil in the box. He's a grad of Texas A&M -- not a place known for high academic distinction -- and he majored in animal husbandry. His grade-point average was 2.3. Oh, by the way, he was an Aggie cheerleader.

This would explain why he's not quite up to the legal and civics questions here, i.e., that it actually would be quite illegal for Texas to quit the Union. The bozos actually did it along with several other Southern states back in 1861, and the sad result was 600,000 Americans killed on the battlefield. I guess they don't teach much about the Civil War in Animal Husbandry 101.

But I don't think Goodhair's lack of cultural literacy is to blame here. He's looking ahead to 14 years in the Governor's Mansion, and CNBC's Chris Matthews tells me that 31% of Texans who responded to a poll actually think that Texas has a legal right to secede from the Union. He's cynically betting that the ignorant rubes in this state are numerous enough to get him past Kay Bailey in a nasty 2010 Republican primary.

To read the latest on this, here's a link to the Houston Chronicle's online edition. Also, there will be more about our illustrious Governor Goodhair in subsequent posts.

Manifesto Joe Is An Underground Writer Living In Texas.


Marc McDonald said...

In 2006, Perry got 39 percent of the vote. Yes, it was a real mandate.
Perry spent a whopping $23 million on his re-election campaign---vastly outspending the other candidates. I'm sure he'll have a huge war chest in the next election, as well.

Jack Jodell said...

Rick Perry is just another way-over-the-top, irresponsibly loud-mouthed rabble-rouser who should no longer be on the public payroll, as he is doing the public little good. It seems that every state manages to produce a no-mind political figure like him . In my case, I have that god-awful Michele Bachmann to contend with (see my current post). People like Perry, Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Joe the phony Plumber are unfortunate examples of the truly Dark Ages the GOP has slipped into. They are pathetic.

Burr Deming said...

Good insight, putting the secession talk into electoral context.

Tim McGaha said...

Being Governor of Texas is rather less useful than most people realize. The awful truth is that you could probably shave an ape, sew it into a Brooks Brothers suit, and it might be months before anyone noticed a difference.

That said, Perry is an idiot. The legality of secession was established rather unequivocally in the court of Judge Ares Slayer-of-Men at Appomattox Court House in April of 1865 in favor of the defendant, represented by General Grant. The plaintiff was in no condition to mount an appeal. What on Earth makes him think the Union would give us up without a fight? And what on Earth makes him think that's a fight that we'd win?

Manifesto Joe said...

Governor Goodhair, based on female opinions I've heard, is definitely a member of our species, though a quite vapid one. An attractive but empty package.

As for shaven apes in Brooks Brothers suits, what you described was Perry's predecessor as Texas gov: George W. "Chimpy" Bush.

ExTexan :) said...

ahhh this blog was so refreshing... I needed a little "perry-bashing" fix :)